Joanna Sylph

什么是"老好人"（people pleaser）？
What is people pleaser?

不懂拒绝的老好人，也被叫作people pleaser。顾名思义，他们总是在取悦别人，把他人的需求摆在第一位，并致力于满足别人。他们似乎始终在争取周围每个人的认可和喜爱，努力地让除自己以外的每个人都高兴。严重的"好人情节"折磨着他们，这种"好人的负担"甚至干扰到了他们的正常生活及整体幸福感。
People pleasers are those who don't know how to refuse others. They are always pleasing other people. People pleasers put others' needs first and dedicated to satisfying them. It seems as though they are all-time trying to win everyone's recognition and fondness, making everyone else happy except themselves. This deep "Good Guy Complex" is torturing them, and the following pressure even interferes their normal life and the overall well-being.

具体来看，讨好者通常表现出以下4个特点：（Morin，2015）
Specifically, people pleasers usually display the following four characteristics:

1. 缺乏健康的个人边界
Lacking healthy personal boundaries

拥有清晰个人边界的人最明显的标志之一，就是足够坚定。边界意识好的人知道自己有权利拒绝，他们清楚自己能够接受什么，不能接受什么，既尊重别人，也保护自己。The most significant symbol of having clear personal boundary is that this person is sufficiently determined. Those with a good sense of boundary know that they have their right to say no. They are fully aware of what they can accept or not. Therefore they can both respect others and protect themselves. 相反的，缺乏健康边界的讨好者们则不会说"不"，且觉得自己需要对他人的情绪和行为负责。比如，因为"怕他们不开心"而拒绝不了父母对自己个人情感生活的干预和介入，就是典型的缺乏良好个人边界的体现。 Contrarily, those people pleasers who don't have a healthy boundary, however, won't say "no." Besides, they think they are responsible for other people's feelings and behaviors. For example, the fact that some people can't say no to their parents who interfere their personal relationships just because they are "afraid to upset them" is a typical example of lacking good personal boundary.

2. 极不擅长做决定
Very weak at making decisions

讨好者做决定往往是基于对"对方想要听什么"的猜测，因此，独立做选择对他们而言尤其困难。毕竟，他们并不总能猜到合对方心意的选项是哪一个，也害怕自己选择了对方不满意的。The decisions which the people pleasers make are mostly based on the speculations of "What others would want to hear?" Therefore, making choices independently is especially difficult for the people pleasers. After all, they can't always get the right answers and they are scared to make a wrong choice. 所以，像是"没关系，我都可以"、"挑你喜欢的就好"这样的话是讨好者们常挂在嘴边的。So, the people pleasers always will say things like "No problem, I'm all good." or "I'm ok with whatever you like."

3. 不会求助
Don't know how to ask for help

讨好者们总是生怕自己"麻烦"别人，即便自己成天都在被"麻烦"。就算是很小的事情，他们也不愿向他人求助。如果真的迫不得已地需要他人的帮助，他们还会生出一种内疚和负罪感。
The people pleasers are always afraid of causing other people troubles, even though they are in trouble all the time. They won't ask for help for even the tiniest things. If they have to ask others for help, they will feel a sense of guilt or culpability.

4. 没有按照自己想要的样子活着
Not living a life they want

耗费大量时间关注着别人想要什么、喜欢什么的讨好者们，往往难以按照自己的价值观生活。比如，有的人可能认为周末和自己孩子相处的时间最为珍贵，但如果有个朋友总是要你帮七零八碎的"小忙"，你又说不了"不"，你就会挣扎于重要的、自己想做的事和他人的事之间。由于讨好者有限的时间被取悦他人这件事占据了太多，也就常常无暇去顾及那些对他们而言真正有意义的人和事。

Translated from KY(knowyourself)